Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Goodbye Until Tomorrow

Don't kiss me goodbye again.
Leave this night clean and quiet.
You want the last word,
You want me to laugh,
But leave it for now.

All you can say,
All you can feel
Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss.
Leave it at that:
I'll watch you turn the corner and go...

And goodbye until tomorrow.
Goodbye until the next time you call,
And I will be waiting.
I will be waiting.
Goodbye until tomorrow.
Goodbye 'til I recall how to breathe,
And I have been waiting,
I have been waiting for you.

I stand on a precipice.
I struggle to keep my balance.
I open myself,
I open myself one stitch at a time.

Finally yes!
Finally now!
Finally something takes me away.
Finally free!
Finally he can cut through these strings,
And open my wings!

So goodbye until tomorrow!
Goodbye until my feet touch the floor,
And I will be waiting,
I will be waiting!
Goodbye until tomorrow!
Goodbye until the rest of my life
And I have been waiting,
I have been waiting for you!
Waiting for you,

















-Jason Roberts Brown, in The Last Five Years , a most excellent composer and a most excellent musical

Friday, September 25, 2009

Stream of Consciousness, 3:30am

Careful, the rod is slipping
Seven days in a book I wrote this week.
In there lies many of the
Monarch butterflies
Lounging in space
When the cool meets the
Wooded, sylvan wish.
When the wish glances back,
Flapping it's jacks
The mouth of the smoker
Speaks steeped in tea
Leaves leave me alone
In the well-lit lab in Hoyum.

Haven't you found them,
Fountains of mistery
Misery and youth
And ignorance storm the
Castle of indifference
Stepping on the glade of innocence
Spitting on the trusses
Sniggling with the busses
The exhaust fumes
In the devil's cave.

Weren't they something?
Something they were,
All threes in the timepeice
Cape he wore.
Time.
And Fuego de Marcella
Is playing in my mind.
The many eyelids close
Over my contact
With outer space words

And my throat is only a
Part of me
And my exhileration is only
A part of me
And my fingertips fly
And my breath swells
And my voice shrills
Into your eardrums to
Wreck whatever it
Very well may.
If you like, you may have a pastry.

If you like, you may have a pastry.
If you like...if you like...if you like...

Until the roar and drum
Of every decent human being
Inside the machinery of existance
Is sounding once again
The life and breath and
Thoughts I was thinking
And Dreams I was Dreaming
As I lie in bed.
Ah, bed,
What a thought for Three
Three of us.
Riding no where
Spending someone's
Hard earned pay.
Two or three Friday driving.
Not arriving on our way back home.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I am he, whose gaze destroys hope,
As soon as hope blooms;
I am he, whom nobody loves,
And everything that lives curses.





~Lermontov, from "A Demon"

Monday, September 21, 2009

Al-Aaraaf

PART I
O! nothing earthly save the ray
(Thrown back from flowers) of Beauty's eye,
As in those gardens where the day
Springs from the gems of Circassy-
O! nothing earthly save the thrill
Of melody in woodland rill-
Or (music of the passion-hearted)
Joy's voice so peacefully departed
That like the murmur in the shell,
Its echo dwelleth and will dwell-
Oh, nothing of the dross of ours-
Yet all the beauty-all the flowers
That list our Love, and deck our bowers-
Adorn yon world afar, afar-
The wandering star.

'Twas a sweet time for Nesace-for there
Her world lay lolling on the golden air,
Near four bright suns-a temporary rest-
An oasis in desert of the blest.
Away-away-'mid seas of rays that roll
Empyrean splendor o'er th' unchained soul-
The soul that scarce (the billows are so dense)
Can struggle to its destin'd eminence,-
To distant spheres, from time to time, she rode
And late to ours, the favor'd one of God-
But, now, the ruler of an anchor'd realm,
She throws aside the sceptre-leaves the helm,
And, amid incense and high spiritual hymns,
Laves in quadruple light her angel limbs.

Now happiest, loveliest in yon lovely Earth,
Whence sprang the "Idea of Beauty" into birth,
(Falling in wreaths thro' many a startled star,
Like woman's hair 'mid pearls, until, afar,
It lit on hills Achaian, and there dwelt)
She looked into Infinity-and knelt.
Rich clouds, for canopies, about her curled-
Fit emblems of the model of her world-
Seen but in beauty-not impeding sight
Of other beauty glittering thro' the light-
A wreath that twined each starry form around,
And all the opal'd air in color bound.

All hurriedly she knelt upon a bed
Of flowers: of lilies such as rear'd the head
On the fair Capo Deucato, and sprang
So eagerly around about to hang
Upon the flying footsteps of-deep pride-
Of her who lov'd a mortal-and so died.
The Sephalica, budding with young bees,
Upreared its purple stem around her knees:-
And gemmy flower, of Trebizond misnam'd-
Inmate of highest stars, where erst it sham'd
All other loveliness:-its honied dew
(The fabled nectar that the heathen knew)
Deliriously sweet, was dropp'd from Heaven,
And fell on gardens of the unforgiven
In Trebizond-and on a sunny flower
So like its own above that, to this hour,
It still remaineth, torturing the bee
With madness, and unwonted reverie:
In Heaven, and all its environs, the leaf
And blossom of the fairy plant in grief
Disconsolate linger-grief that hangs her head,
Repenting follies that full long have Red,
Heaving her white breast to the balmy air,
Like guilty beauty, chasten'd and more fair:
Nyctanthes too, as sacred as the light
She fears to perfume, perfuming the night:
And Clytia, pondering between many a sun,
While pettish tears adown her petals run:
And that aspiring flower that sprang on Earth,
And died, ere scarce exalted into birth,
Bursting its odorous heart in spirit to wing
Its way to Heaven, from garden of a king:
And Valisnerian lotus, thither flown"
From struggling with the waters of the Rhone:
And thy most lovely purple perfume, Zante!
Isola d'oro!-Fior di Levante!
And the Nelumbo bud that floats for ever
With Indian Cupid down the holy river-
Fair flowers, and fairy! to whose care is given
To bear the Goddess' song, in odors, up to Heaven:

"Spirit! that dwellest where,
In the deep sky,
The terrible and fair,
In beauty vie!
Beyond the line of blue-
The boundary of the star
Which turneth at the view
Of thy barrier and thy bar-
Of the barrier overgone
By the comets who were cast
From their pride and from their throne
To be drudges till the last-
To be carriers of fire
(The red fire of their heart)
With speed that may not tire
And with pain that shall not part-
Who livest-that we know-
In Eternity-we feel-
But the shadow of whose brow
What spirit shall reveal?
Tho' the beings whom thy Nesace,
Thy messenger hath known
Have dream'd for thy Infinity
A model of their own-
Thy will is done, O God!
The star hath ridden high
Thro' many a tempest, but she rode
Beneath thy burning eye;
And here, in thought, to thee-
In thought that can alone
Ascend thy empire and so be
A partner of thy throne-
By winged Fantasy,
My embassy is given,
Till secrecy shall knowledge be
In the environs of Heaven."

She ceas'd-and buried then her burning cheek
Abash'd, amid the lilies there, to seek
A shelter from the fervor of His eye;
For the stars trembled at the Deity.
She stirr'd not-breath'd not-for a voice was there
How solemnly pervading the calm air!
A sound of silence on the startled ear
Which dreamy poets name "the music of the sphere."
Ours is a world of words: Quiet we call
"Silence"-which is the merest word of all.
All Nature speaks, and ev'n ideal things
Flap shadowy sounds from visionary wings-
But ah! not so when, thus, in realms on high
The eternal voice of God is passing by,
And the red winds are withering in the sky:-

"What tho 'in worlds which sightless cycles run,
Linked to a little system, and one sun-
Where all my love is folly and the crowd
Still think my terrors but the thunder cloud,
The storm, the earthquake, and the ocean-wrath-
(Ah! will they cross me in my angrier path?)
What tho' in worlds which own a single sun
The sands of Time grow dimmer as they run,
Yet thine is my resplendency, so given
To bear my secrets thro' the upper Heaven!
Leave tenantless thy crystal home, and fly,
With all thy train, athwart the moony sky-
Apart-like fire-flies in Sicilian night,
And wing to other worlds another light!
Divulge the secrets of thy embassy
To the proud orbs that twinkle-and so be
To ev'ry heart a barrier and a ban
Lest the stars totter in the guilt of man!"

Up rose the maiden in the yellow night,
The single-mooned eve!-on Earth we plight
Our faith to one love-and one moon adore-
The birth-place of young Beauty had no more.
As sprang that yellow star from downy hours
Up rose the maiden from her shrine of flowers,
And bent o'er sheeny mountains and dim plain
Her way, but left not yet her Therasaean reign.
PART II

High on a mountain of enamell'd head-
Such as the drowsy shepherd on his bed
Of giant pasturage lying at his ease,
Raising his heavy eyelid, starts and sees
With many a mutter'd "hope to be forgiven"
What time the moon is quadrated in Heaven-
Of rosy head that, towering far away
Into the sunlit ether, caught the ray
Of sunken suns at eve-at noon of night,
While the moon danc'd with the fair stranger light-
Uprear'd upon such height arose a pile
Of gorgeous columns on th' unburthen'd air,
Flashing from Parian marble that twin smile
Far down upon the wave that sparkled there,
And nursled the young mountain in its lair.
Of molten stars their pavement, such as fall
Thro' the ebon air, besilvering the pall
Of their own dissolution, while they die-
Adorning then the dwellings of the sky.
A dome, by linked light from Heaven let down,
Sat gently on these columns as a crown-
A window of one circular diamond, there,
Look'd out above into the purple air,
And rays from God shot down that meteor chain
And hallow'd all the beauty twice again,
Save, when, between th' empyrean and that ring,
Some eager spirit Flapp'd his dusky wing.
But on the pillars Seraph eyes have seen
The dimness of this world: that greyish green
That Nature loves the best Beauty's grave
Lurk'd in each cornice, round each architrave-
And every sculptur'd cherub thereabout
That from his marble dwelling peered out,
Seem'd earthly in the shadow of his niche-
Achaian statues in a world so rich!
Friezes from Tadmor and Persepolis-
From Balbec, and the stilly, clear abyss
Of beautiful Gomorrah! O, the wave
Is now upon thee-but too late to save!

Sound loves to revel in a summer night:
Witness the murmur of the grey twilight
That stole upon the ear, in Eyraco,
Of many a wild star-gazer long ago-
That stealeth ever on the ear of him
Who, musing, gazeth on the distance dim,
And sees the darkness coming as a cloud-
Is not its form-its voice-most palpable and loud?

But what is this?-it cometh, and it brings
A music with it-'tis the rush of wings-
A pause-and then a sweeping, falling strain
And Nesace is in her halls again.
From the wild energy of wanton haste
Her cheeks were flushing, and her lips apart;
And zone that clung around her gentle waist
Had burst beneath the heaving of her heart.
Within the centre of that hall to breathe,
She paused and panted, Zanthe! all beneath,
The fairy light that kiss'd her golden hair
And long'd to rest, yet could but sparkle there.

Young flowers were whispering in melody
To happy flowers that night-and tree to tree;
Fountains were gushing music as they fell
In many a star-lit grove, or moon-lit dell;
Yet silence came upon material things-
Fair flowers, bright waterfalls and angel wings-
And sound alone that from the spirit sprang
Bore burthen to the charm the maiden sang:

"'Neath the blue-bell or streamer-
Or tufted wild spray
That keeps, from the dreamer,
The moonbeam away-
Bright beings! that ponder,
With half closing eyes,
On the stars which your wonder
Hath drawn from the skies,
Till they glance thro' the shade, and
Come down to your brow
Like-eyes of the maiden
Who calls on you now-
Arise! from your dreaming
In violet bowers,
To duty beseeming
These star-litten hours-
And shake from your tresses
Encumber'd with dew
The breath of those kisses
That cumber them too-
(O! how, without you, Love!
Could angels be blest?)
Those kisses of true Love
That lull'd ye to rest!
Up!-shake from your wing
Each hindering thing:
The dew of the night-
It would weigh down your flight
And true love caresses-
O, leave them apart!
They are light on the tresses,
But lead on the heart.

Ligeia! Ligeia!
My beautiful one!
Whose harshest idea
Will to melody run,
O! is it thy will
On the breezes to toss?
Or, capriciously still,
Like the lone Albatros,
Incumbent on night
(As she on the air)
To keep watch with delight
On the harmony there?

Ligeia! wherever
Thy image may be,
No magic shall sever
Thy music from thee.
Thou hast bound many eyes
In a dreamy sleep-
But the strains still arise
Which thy vigilance keep-
The sound of the rain,
Which leaps down to the flower-
And dances again
In the rhythm of the shower-
The murmur that springs
From the growing of grass
Are the music of things-
But are modell'd, alas!-
Away, then, my dearest,
Oh! hie thee away
To the springs that lie clearest
Beneath the moon-ray-
To lone lake that smiles,
In its dream of deep rest,
At the many star-isles
That enjewel its breast-
Where wild flowers, creeping,
Have mingled their shade,
On its margin is sleeping
Full many a maid-
Some have left the cool glade, and
Have slept with the bee-
Arouse them, my maiden,
On moorland and lea-
Go! breathe on their slumber,
All softly in ear,
Thy musical number
They slumbered to hear-
For what can awaken
An angel so soon,
Whose sleep hath been taken
Beneath the cold moon,
As the spell which no slumber
Of witchery may test,
The rhythmical number
Which lull'd him to rest?"

Spirits in wing, and angels to the view,
A thousand seraphs burst th' Empyrean thro',
Young dreams still hovering on their drowsy flight-
Seraphs in all but "Knowledge," the keen light
That fell, refracted, thro' thy bounds, afar,
O Death! from eye of God upon that star:
Sweet was that error-sweeter still that death-
Sweet was that error-even with us the breath
Of Science dims the mirror of our joy-
To them 'twere the Simoom, and would destroy-
For what (to them) availeth it to know
That Truth is Falsehood-or that Bliss is Woe?
Sweet was their death-with them to die was rife
With the last ecstasy of satiate life-
Beyond that death no immortality-
But sleep that pondereth and is not "to be'!-
And there-oh! may my weary spirit dwell-
Apart from Heaven's Eternity-and yet how far from Hell!
What guilty spirit, in what shrubbery dim,
Heard not the stirring summons of that hymn?
But two: they fell: for Heaven no grace imparts
To those who hear not for their beating hearts.
A maiden-angel and her seraph-lover-
O! where (and ye may seek the wide skies over)
Was Love, the blind, near sober Duty known?
Unguided Love hath fAllan-'mid "tears of perfect moan."
He was a goodly spirit-he who fell:
A wanderer by moss-y-mantled well-
A gazer on the lights that shine above-
A dreamer in the moonbeam by his love:
What wonder? for each star is eye-like there,
And looks so sweetly down on Beauty's hair-
And they, and ev'ry mossy spring were holy
To his love-haunted heart and melancholy.
The night had found (to him a night of woe)
Upon a mountain crag, young Angelo-
Beetling it bends athwart the solemn sky,
And scowls on starry worlds that down beneath it lie.
Here sat he with his love-his dark eye bent
With eagle gaze along the firmament:
Now turn'd it upon her-but ever then
It trembled to the orb of EARTH again.

"Ianthe, dearest, see-how dim that ray!
How lovely 'tis to look so far away!
She seem'd not thus upon that autumn eve
I left her gorgeous halls-nor mourn'd to leave.
That eve-that eve-I should remember well-
The sun-ray dropp'd in Lemnos, with a spell
On th' arabesque carving of a gilded hall
Wherein I sate, and on the draperied wall-
And on my eyelids-O the heavy light!
How drowsily it weigh'd them into night!
On flowers, before, and mist, and love they ran
With Persian Saadi in his Gulistan:
But O that light!-I slumber'd-Death, the while,
Stole o'er my senses in that lovely isle
So softly that no single silken hair
Awoke that slept-or knew that he was there.

"The last spot of Earth's orb I trod upon
Was a proud temple call'd the Parthenon;
More beauty clung around her column'd wall
Than ev'n thy glowing bosom beats withal,
And when old Time my wing did disenthral
Thence sprang I-as the eagle from his tower,
And years I left behind me in an hour.
What time upon her airy bounds I hung,
One half the garden of her globe was flung
Unrolling as a chart unto my view-
Tenantless cities of the desert too!
Ianthe, beauty crowded on me then,
And half I wish'd to be again of men."

"My Angelo! and why of them to be?
A brighter dwelling-place is here for thee-
And greener fields than in yon world above,
And woman's loveliness-and passionate love."

"But, list, Ianthe! when the air so soft
Fail'd, as my pennon'd spirit leapt aloft,
Perhaps my brain grew dizzy-but the world
I left so late was into chaos hurl'd-
Sprang from her station, on the winds apart.
And roll'd, a flame, the fiery Heaven athwart.
Methought, my sweet one, then I ceased to soar
And fell-not swiftly as I rose before,
But with a downward, tremulous motion thro'
Light, brazen rays, this golden star unto!
Nor long the measure of my falling hours,
For nearest of all stars was thine to ours-
Dread star! that came, amid a night of mirth,
A red Daedalion on the timid Earth."

"We came-and to thy Earth-but not to us
Be given our lady's bidding to discuss:
We came, my love; around, above, below,
Gay fire-fly of the night we come and go,
Nor ask a reason save the angel-nod
She grants to us, as granted by her God-
But, Angelo, than thine grey Time unfurl'd
Never his fairy wing O'er fairier world!
Dim was its little disk, and angel eyes
Alone could see the phantom in the skies,
When first Al Aaraaf knew her course to be
Headlong thitherward o'er the starry sea-
But when its glory swell'd upon the sky,
As glowing Beauty's bust beneath man's eye,
We paused before the heritage of men,
And thy star trembled-as doth Beauty then!"

Thus, in discourse, the lovers whiled away
The night that waned and waned and brought no day.
They fell: for Heaven to them no hope imparts
Who hear not for the beating of their hearts.


-Edgar Allen Poe, 1829

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Void; or Contemplating the Agony of Fantine

It is the ephemeral moment
Passing silently,
As if it were not there.
It is dishonest somehow,
It robs me of my freedom.

Ticking softly, swiftly.
The hand turns slowly, yet
All too fast.

What has been achieved therein?

And to that question, such elegant emptiness.

Were I as dishonest as the moment is,
I would studder an answer.
B-b-but...I cared about people
I would studder.

Now I look on them with cold eyes.
Their eyes ask me questions.
Their eyes alternatively accuse and feel pity for me.
How I hate those eyes.
How I hate them.

"There was a time when men were kind,
When their voices were soft,
And their words exciting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time, then it all went wrong..."

Humming in my mind. I wonder at it.

I have no right to her pain.
I have neither the right to hate the pity nor indifference nor the false love
nor the fake care nor the question,
The question so urgently asked with their eyes
"Kristen what is wrong?"

What is wrong, you ask?
What is wrong is that I tried my best to do nothing but care for people.
And those people are empty,
And now their emptiness is inside of me.
I can't blame them for their feelings
They have no right to ask me mine.

And now you ask me to forgive, you internet lookers,
Fraudulent admirers of a writer you do not understand!
Can't you see how I wish you to be gone from me,
From this place, my haven, for strangers to read my words?!

Damn you, liar! Don't you know that I know you lie?

And yes, I see the irony in those words,
I see that if there was a private loathing that then
That loathing should be within the confines of some
Private pages. This is publication.

I wish it to be a publication of my screaming the truth.

But I only wish to publish some reason for my actions,
I wish for you to understand me in my livid rage.
I wish you could see into me and see what I've endured.
I hate you. I loathe you so for missing it.

"I dreamed a dream of time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed the God would be forgiving."

There. So I said it.

The heart that once beat for the world no longer beats.
The heart that once, within my chest, held a love,
A compassion, has long since been bled dry.

And now some scarecrow has to come and dismember my soul.
Some phantasm of truth, some sage of thought,
Some page of a silent novel.

They gawk at me as if I were some animal they've conquered.

I know that I've become irrational about things too.
You would say it yourself. With your eyes.
I am.
Aren't I?
You look at me, incredulous, as if you want to wrap me up in something.
Is it your arms?
Is it some blanket?
Or the merciless chains of some trap?

So I sit here daily on trial for the love I once felt,
For that love, obviously, was some sort of sinful waste of time
And the best way to live is to be as base as possible?
No, my dear, no.

That void exists to be denied. That is the point of such a void.

The ephemeral moment,
Passes quickly, silently,
Through the void, through the day.

"Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine untasted,
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame."




Is it true? I grieve for Fantine and her situation.
I know that such horrors that she faced in the name of righteous love
I have not faced-
Nor have I been spit upon.
Yet it feels that way. It feels by their departure.
The way the turn, the way the gossip.
Their fake smiles and their false tone of voice.
I perceive it.

And they think that they're the only ones that notice things.
I stand for more than that, or at least I stood.


I will live my life.

I will not let the pain matter.
My feeble gifts, my silly tones.
My laughter in the silence all alone.

I don't know why you wish to sabotage me with your silence.
Knowing the ache it brings me.
Knowing the hope they wished for me,
Ah, they, they with their innocent eyes and their saccharine smiles
They with their pleading and their excessive acts of righteousness
Their endless giving and their pious prayers.
And the silent pride and knowledge that they are always right.
Hurts so many people.
And it hurts me.


Stop asking me with your eyes, child, I wish to say.
Stop asking me with your eyes.
Use your words-they have some form
Your actions-they have some meaning.
But when you just look with your innocent, beautiful little eyes
I know that you have mastered an art that I cannot achieve
The way you look like that.
Sheer beauty
Sheer purity.


Then I look at myself and see the degenerate that I have become and I shrink.
I cry and am damaged for this
When I get up to keep myself going
I have to put on this air of indifference.
I have to make up crass excuses.


And I find myself loathing myself by all standards, and any.


I have been given both confidence and purpose,
Yet I would be labeled arrogant.
I have been given an even-temper, a new thing as of late,
Yet I have been labeled by your questioning eyes as being coldly indifferent.
I have decided that it doesn't matter what they think.
And you have decided that I am judgemental and irrational
For rejecting what could be a reforging of a lost friendship.
You have decided that I am unforgiving and ultimately wrong.


But I am not alone.
Give a laugh
Love the storm
Life was day
Sleep was dark
You almost never were summer.
Wait.
Should I feel responsible?

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Infidel

Walking
Your foot falls on the ground
You feel like talking.
You know that he's around,
Someone is knocking
A haunted hollow sound
Upon the door.

Dying,
You roll up in his arms
You feel like crying.
Lost within his charms
You go on lying
Until the fire's gone
Then you play an empty song
So he can gracefully move along.

Dreaming
You open it to find
Another scheming
Offering his time,
You feel like screaming.
Instead you blow your mind
and wait for more.

You want him
You don't know what you want
You know you need him
You don't know what you need
You know you love him
Love has no meaning here for you.

Like thunder,
That rolls out of the sky
You sit and wonder
There are no answers why
As you go under
The emptiness inside is everywhere.


~Aztec Two Step
If I'd only hit the right note
I wouldn't feel so bad right now.
Amatep, Amatep, Amatep.
I'm sorry to be a dissappointment to you.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Something Beautiful

It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful

I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me

-Newsboys
These days I feel so constrained.
I could not be at all deranged,
But when I could at all refrain
I run out into the falling rain
Of your love, ah, it's quite strange.

Because while I gasp for liberty
This emptiness inside of me
Is waiting there to be set free.
A candle or a wish or three
For stars are falling onto me.

And there's nothing you can do about it.